Recently I got poked. Not in real life, on Facebook but I’m honestly not sure what’s weirder. Is this how relationships are now initiated in this modern world? I was very confused and needed to check the last time I was poked. It was, as I feared, 2013. I had a little look at his profile and realised I had a mutual friend, luckily I was seeing her later that day. When I asked her who he was she said that she didn’t know him very well but he seemed normal despite his socially unacceptable behaviour.
I came to a conclusion: it was an absolute Facebook fail. I probably came up on his suggested friends and Mr Nosey decided to have a little stalk of my profile. I of course, being the cruel human I am poked him back so that he would know his failure and feel thoroughly embarrassed. I was too lenient last time when a girl accidentally tagged herself in one of my old profile pictures. I regret not accepting her request everyday.
All my suggested friends are now a group of Chinese women. My brother recently went to China and left a trail of broken hearts behind with his politeness, blonde hair and blue eyes. He is such a suck up. Facebook isn’t even allowed in China. Women are breaking the rules for my brother and I can’t even get a poke back.
I’ve also had some other, very strange Facebook encounters. Recently the local big issue man added me. I didn’t even know his name; I never even bought a big issue! Once he complimented my hair and I said thank you so now apparently we’re best friends.
When I left home the gardener added me. He used to tell my mum that I was beautiful. He even saw me at my worst, coming down in a huge dressing gown, urgently needing a shower and shoving down breakfast, I usually didn’t realise he was in the garden. He has a new girlfriend every week but I’m sure he’s just trying to make me jealous.
I had a message request from a guy I had met five years previously. He was very flirty in the strangest way, offering me a gas mask if we were bombed, saying that he would save me. Talk about romance. He also told me how good I looked in “that red dress.” I wasn’t wearing one in my profile picture. When I told him I didn’t think that talking was appropriate and that I was seeing someone he continued to ask me if my boyfriend knew just how lucky he was. Three times. There were also some drunk messages but the whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable. Just to clarify again, I met him twice. Five years ago.
Sting Rey: This obviously isn’t his real name but it’s a little nickname that one of my friends gave him that suits the fact that all I have actually done is, sting…Ray. I met him on the plane home from America and he was very nice and friendly. It was on the end of an 11-hour flight so I looked like a road kill hedgehog. However it was obviously working for him because he asked to add me on Facebook.
He asked me to show him around London but I was busy and I didn’t know how I felt about the fact that it was obvious he was flirting with me but I wasn’t attracted to him. In fact the most awkward thing was that when I stalked him on Facebook his American friend was extremely good looking.
I was joking and he found it funny but in reality I STILL didn’t want to meet up with him. He loved me being savage and asked to see me six months later when he was back in the UK, inviting me on a trip to Amsterdam.
I also tried to make some friends on Instagram but they didn’t reply when they made the mistake of adding me to their group:
When you’re out on the stalking town you need to check your activity log people! You don’t want to be that person who sends a friend request to Ben, your mates cousin in Australia who’s really hot BY ACCIDENT.
He’ll just be our little secret.